All of everything, erased

Time to try breathing again.

On Monday I directed my middle school band in a concert for the first time. Was it perfect? Far from it, but that did a really fantastic job, despite me.

On Tuesday my classes had their reading parties, and I was reminded that rated PG movies from the nineties are a little dicier than rated PG movies from now.

On Wednesday we had our Christmas party, and we played games with our room moms in the gym. I learned my fifth graders need to work on their sportsmanship... a lot. We also celebrated our library finally being finished, giving well-deserved credit to the teacher who is in charge of the library.

And now it’s Thursday. I can hardly believe it. One semester is behind me, and I still feel like kid with new shoes and new backpack showing up for my first day of school. At the same time, I don’t know, teaching has started to feel natural. I feel at home in my classroom. I walk through it, picking up trash and putting in chairs without even thinking. And I’ve read what second year teachers in Magis have written on their blogs... that is gets easier. But I can feel it getting easier right now. Not to say it’s easy... haha. It’s hard work every single day, but that word is routine, there are things I find myself completely in the dark about. I’m just sometimes in a shadow.

Now... Now it’s the perfect time for a break, a break meant for celebrating and praying and loving. I’m so excited to see my family, to cause rascally trouble at home, to enjoy friendships.

We either need a new plan or some disguises

Christmas abounds at Magis York. Today I received my first ever Christmas gift from a student. Granted, it was a butterfly. As the fifth and sixth graders found out at our late October visit to the zoo, I'm terrified of butterflies. Cowering in fear in the butterfly pavilion terrified. Did this seventh grader know that? It's possible she didn't, but I'm not convinced.

I just bought things to spruce up the Christmas spirit in my classroom. I tend to overdo. I've probably overdone it. I don't really care, though. I love Christmas. I love the small spark in the blackness of winter that erupts into a torrent of light. I love the carols. I love the family. I love the feeling the love that takes a physical form in almost every room you enter. I want to share that feeling and excitement with my students. I almost relate to them better through things like Christmas. A lot of me is still a fifth grade girl not being able to sneak a peek in her stocking before Mom takes the annual Christmas morning photo. I'll probably still put cookies out this year for Santa. Maybe it's silly. It just feels right.

In many ways, I need the Christmas season during this time of year. On rare nights, when the air is still and the burgundy, winter sky gives a warm glow to everything shivering the cold, I can appreciate winter for what it is. But most of the time all I feel is the wind, and how it seems much angrier now that the days are shorter and the night longer. And the silence, though beautiful, gives the night a sense of loneliness I've only felt in at nursing homes and bus stops.

This season of love transforms everything into incredible, breath-stealing moments, separate from temperature or daylight. To be able to share such a special time with my students... I don't know, I just feel lucky.